Week 15 -3.4
This week I had been more or less taking off. On advice from Tim, I went out and had a few juicy meals. (In all fairness, I believe his suggestion was for a singular trip out). Come Monday, I went back to the program, but not exactly with vim and vigor. Have had a cold. Maybe that has something to do with it.
Reflections at Week 15 -- "Sucking it up" versus "fuck it"
One of the main reasons I have taken on the weight loss quest as well as my earlier chess quest is my perception of myself that I don't have a lot of self-discipline. There are many things that I find myself wanting to do and/or stop doing that it seems I can't change. It always seemed that everyone else had better control of this than I. Part of my problem is that I grew up one block away from Tim, the Exercise Oracle whose powers of self-discipline are legendary.
My problem, as I saw it, was that I didn't have the ability to "suck it up". (Note to Temposchlucker: "Suck it up" means to just do something even if you don't want to, to do something on pure will.) I could see what I wanted to do; I could logically know that it was the right thing, but in the moment, I would fail. For example, I would go on diets where I would do great for a while. No mattter how tempted I was I would suck it up and stay the course. After a time though, I would just give up. This is where "fuck it" comes in.
Continuing with the diet example. A typical diet would end when I would come home from work one Friday at the end of my rope. I would want to scream,"I'm mad as hell and I ain't gonna take it anymore." I would then proceed to eat, drink and be merry. I would have a grand old time and that would be the end of the diet.
My diagnosis: I have no self-discipline because I can't suck it up when I need to and I always just say fuck it. It took me a while to realize that this is not true. In fact, I came to realize what is probably obvious to everyone else on the planet.
Obvious Earth Shattering Realization #1 --> These are 2 different reactions to a bad SITUATION. The only real long-term solution is to cut out the bad situation, not to change my reaction to it. The situation was that I was completely out of any strength to do what I wanted to except for my own personal bull-headed will.
So I started to try and figure out why I got in these bad situations. I found the bad situations had a few common characteristics. They usually happened when I:
a) was physically tired
b) had had a long string of "have tos"
Obvious Earth Shattering Realization #2 --> I need more regular rest in order to have good will reserves. This was best summed up in what I used to say about my chess regimen: "My enthusiasm for doing 2 hours of chess problems seems to have a strong correlation with what time I went to bed last night".
Obvious Earth Shattering Realization #3 --> There is a limited amount of things in one day that I can make myself do. It wasn't that I couldn't suck it up, I was sucking it up all the time. There are many things as an adult, parent that I just plain have to do -- get out of bed, go to work, take care of children, etc. By the time I got to "don't eat donut", I was just plain out of gas.
Speaking of have to, I have to stop this now and go to work. Will continue with thoughts at later date including
Obvious Earth Shattering Realization #4 -->bad situations still happen. Suck it up and fuck it are both still necessary.
Net Pounds Lost: -26.0